I don’t send out a holiday letter, personally. I get a kick out of reading others’ letters, but don’t mail them off myself. Those I enjoy the most are written in the true voice of the individual family, to the point that I can just imagine their adventures in my head.
Were I to send out a letter, this is the letter that truly voices our family, and our adventures for the year. Enjoy.
The Not-Molly Holiday Newsletter
2010 was another fantastic year for our family! Just in case you missed all the fun, here’s a run-down:
- One of us was not molested in twelve different airports this year, despite looking more than a little suspicious most of the time, and chatting up random strangers.
- Three teeth were lost; ten teeth emerged, for a net gain of seven additional chewing surfaces.
- We started with four clandestine, illegal hens this spring, and now have three legal hens, one clandestine hen, and four eggs a day.
- Dimity the Duck turns out to be male, rather than sterile. We are still calling it Dimity. Dimity would like to extend a “special” invitation to Uncle Big B to “visit.”
- One of us learned to use the potty.
- One of us bribed the orthodontist and his staff with a variety of baked goods, resulting in a brace-free face in time for the Winter Semi-Formal. We are a values-focused family.
- We have learned to tap into an unsecured WiFi connection at the seminary building, and surf for free while waiting for religion class to finish up. We are a values-focused family.
- No one was arrested this year!
- When it comes to singing, one of us is a fantastic gymnast!
- We maximized our use of child labor, and finished the year with only a handful of parental dish-washings.
- We continue to successfully convert eleven eyebrows into twelve on a semi-regular basis.
- One of us shaved above our knees at least once this year.
- One of us discovered a debilitating fear of… the Ferris wheel.
- One of us discovered that, when it is dark, those outside can see us dance like lunatics to 80s music on YouTube.
- We managed to miss fairly significant swatches of flesh whilst smearing sunscreen this year. We filled in the gaps with aloe vera later.
- We did not actually get detained by Yellowstone Park Rangers during the Buffalo Incident, but it was a close thing, and there was some yelling.
- Only one injury required crutches this year.
- We celebrated exactly zero birthdays on the actual natal anniversaries.
- We went through four very large bottles of Thai chili sauce. One of us may have been primarily responsible for this consumption, but she is not willing to take all the blame.
- We discovered that if we turn off the porch light, the doorbell does not work. Our evenings have been blissfully quiet ever since.
- We ate 120 kosher hot dogs… by July. In a related vein, Hunt’s now makes an HFCS-free ketchup.
- We did not win the lottery, despite never buying a single ticket.
- We are proud to have accomplished “Making Duck Farting Noises With Damp Dish Gloves.” Homeschooling rocks!
- One of us insists on using a British accent when grocery shopping. It is not one of the taller family members.
- Two of us insist on running around in our underpants most of the time. One of us is short enough that we cannot be seen through the front window easily.
- One of us can now see over the kitchen countertops. One of us can no longer walk unharmed under the kitchen table.
- Two of us can reach things in the kitchen cabinets. Neither of those two is the primary chef in the household.
- We maintain our proud tradition of neglecting to send out Christmas cards. There is still one unopened box of cards from approximately six years ago. We are okay with this.
We hope your year was as filled with grand accomplishment and family pride as ours! May your 2011 fulfill at least half of your more mediocre wishes, and have at least one semi-exciting moment to commemorate in next year’s newsletter!